Recently, I’ve had to attempt to use AI at work. I’ve discovered that AI works like this:

AI#1: Hi there! I can do anything you want and answer any questions you have!

Me: If I upload a database schema can you use it to help me create a couple of queries?

AI#1: Yes! If you upload a database schema I can do all kinds of super amazing things!

Me: Ok, here is a file that contains a database schema. Please look at it so you can help me.

AI#1: OK!

Me: /uploads text file that contains db schema

AI#1: Got it! I’ve read it! What do you need?

Me: I’d like a query that shows me a list of users, the date they were created, and what user groups they’re in.

AI#1: Sure thing! Here you go!

Me: Ok. Almost there. This gives me what I want but it duplicates people. So if they’re in three groups, it shows them on three separate lines. I’d like the query to put all the groups, separated by commas, in a single column named “Groups” so the user shows up on one line with all their groups listed.

AI#1: I’m sorry. You’ve already asked two questions and uploaded a file. You can’t ask another one for 8 hours. Or you can pay me $20/month ($25 if you’re a business!) to ask a few more questions. Or $200/month to ask me more than that.

Me: …

Me: /tries another AI

AI#2: Hi there! I can do anything you want and answer any questions you have! Probably even better than than any other AI you’ve tried!

Me: If I upload a database schema can you use it to help me create a couple of queries?

AI#2: Yes! If you upload a database schema I can do all kinds of super amazing things!

AI#2: OK!

Me: /tries to upload text file that contains db schema

AI#2: That has too many characters. Go over the file and just pull out the info on the tables you want to query. Or you can remove comments. Or remove any whitespace. Or break it up into smaller chunks. Or pay me $25/month.

Me: …
/deletes AI#2 account
/deletes AI#1 account
/deletes computer
/deletes the Internet